New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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