Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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