Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
