You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
