I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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