Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
