i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
