Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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