I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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