Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
