My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
