I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You ruined the universe
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
