wrigley field is MILF paradise
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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