Swine flu. Run for my life!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
