I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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