One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
