I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
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Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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