We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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