Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
