I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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