so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
