my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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