Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
