the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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