finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
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she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
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Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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