You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
