I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
