I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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