Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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