weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
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How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
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What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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