Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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