She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
