I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
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A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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