i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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