I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
