Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
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