I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
