I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
