I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
