I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
