Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
