It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
