u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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