I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
