You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
