I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
