I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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