Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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