Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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