I wish I could teleport
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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