I think I just saw someone hide a body.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
