I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's never too late to be topless.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
