Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
