You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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