Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the condom got lost in my hair
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
