I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
