apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
